You cannot compare anything in life, to the feeling when you were gun shotted with a cancer medical suspicion.
The moment when the usual doctor checkup turned into a delicate conversation and soft encouragement that everything would be okay.
It’s the moment when you realize a lot. Usually, after this situation, you decide to quit cigarettes and all the bad habits you used to have and turn your usual life structure upside down or maybe you decide to keep silent to not mirror regrets in people’s eyes. I didn’t tell my dad what was happening with me, because he would die if knows the truth, but I shared this information with my close friends as it was a natural vent out.
To be honest, I wasn’t scared of the fact that I might have cancer, but I was afraid of the change that may follow. It came to me the question. Why are we so resistant to change even if we know that the change is inevitable? Everything will change, all the walls eventually will be broken down, all the things we used to believe in will disappear, and all the people will leave you if you don’t fit in their idea of perfection or if you don’t check the boxes of societal norms. One thing is for sure – we will end up and that will possibly change something after us or maybe not.
These things made me think a lot – days and nights, hours and weeks. I was looking at people on the streets and on social media and realized how desperate they are in search of financial success, unconsciously striving to be liked and accepted by others while running off themselves and this made me think – what if we are not so wrong, but we are all getting ill of today’s world order? Why we are not in search of more consciousness, and adventure, and dedicated to discovering ourselves, showing proudly what we are without afraid of criticism, instead of that we are keeping the social conditioning and outside norms. Why money matters more than spirituality? Who created this world and why do we have to struggle to fit in the status quo that defines someone else beliefs and who has the benefit of all that? Why is not prestigious to be a happy toilet cleaner for example?
I was looking suspiciously at the happy faces that covered up their real identities and putting all their real lives into a well-known box, because of fear of judgment, fear of being different, and fear of lack of something. I was wondering why being unique and different is not acceptable today, why you have to look like someone? And I realized that all unconscious bad programs are connected with fears and shame that are coming from somewhere.
The funny thing is that the human brain has the capacity to remember the past and imagine a conditional future, which certainly cannot be said it be a real thing. All we have to do is live now because the past is burned away and the future might not come for sure. But why is so difficult? Why do we think we will have the future just because our brain can think about the future? This is another story, but I am thinking that something is wrong with this world. Why do we have to live a life without finding our true purpose, forget what we want and follow blindly what is considered as normal by society.
I was drowning in me, I was in a deep period of soul searching, because if I was destined to die before real life happened to me, then I was running out of time. I should have to discover who I am and what I stand for despite what I was told to be and what I have to fear and be ashamed of. The ultimate task was why I was here before I left forever. Some people don’t understand it through all their lives, but I was not like others. Usually, people who have awakened their soul purpose, were in the hell, the dark night of the soul.
I was there in the fucking hell. Sorry mom and dad. In 2024, when all my known world was destroyed, I was left heartbroken, I said a final goodbye to a loved person, was laid off from my corporate job, and with terrible depression and chronic anxiety that were my dark clouds of confusion and irrational thinking. I didn’t know how to continue forward, or where to start at all, I was confused, weak, and alone in this because I had nobody who could understand me completely or the support system that I needed desperately to encourage me to grow, so I turned myself into this “so-called best friend”. And then it came – my doctor’s concerns – “We have to do a biopsy” and actually it turned out that it was the best thing in my life. Because I realized truly the fact that there is no life without death, there is no growth without pain. You have to die to be reborn.
When I was rethinking all of the patterns, dreams, and wants, and gave up the fear of losing the game of life, I was alive.
I am different and my life has always been. I knew it growing up, I know it now and the difference is the reflection of my rebellion against the norms and modern world that made me sick while blindly following and I better die many times instead of living a life of games, roles, and fake happiness. That’s my 100% realization and spiritual awakening happened.
I might die, but I might live 100% stronger.
So, my friend book that trip, make that awkward tattoo and look up to the sky and live in this world without shame and fear.
